Unrating The Players: Rip It Up Edition

So, Dundee Utd are celebrating a historic win. There first win against us in 10 years - there's your gulf in class - when they inflicted John Barnes first defeat in a reign that is often referred to as ill-fated but when compared to today's was actually not that bad.

The usual rubbish or excuses if you like have been trotted out. Barry Robson talks up Herculean United by saying it was always going to be a hard place to go and laughably says they almost beat Barcelona when fondly remembering his time there.

He will soon be back there.

The meeja have been fawning over themselves dreaming -like 13 year olds who dream that their art teacher keeps them behind for detention- that Herculean United could win the league.

I will stand by my assessment. They are the most unrefined and robust troop Levein has assembled and his last two better teams ended up behind Aberdeen.

Go figure.

Cool Hand Luka 1

Like Kerry Katona you like to be close to a line.

Hinkel 5

You look like Chris Martin from Coldplay with your longer hair. Your performance was a bit yellow.

Heid 0

Gary is like cheese wire. It can cut cheese but also be used to strangle the will to live from people.

Loovens 0

When that lorry driver throws that crumpled 20 Euro note into the urinal you will look back on this day as where it all went wrong.

Fox 5

Unlike Basil Brush your performance didn't need a hand up your arse directing you.

McGeady 7

Showed no effects of that gruelling 10 minute cameo in Paris. Gutted his brothers went out the X-factor I hear.

Landry 8

Managed to get his £19,000 Eto watch out of Dundee without it being stolen. Some feat it's Junkie Central up there.

Crosas 8

If you were an Iberian hotel your customer reviews would read excellent food, drink and service.

Robson 7

Played well despite looking like your brain is made of sawdust.

Skippy 0

You know that old tale that if you sit on your hand long enough for it to go numb and then pleasure yourself with that hand it feels like someone else is doing it?

Do you think if we sat on Skippy until he went numb that he would think he was someone else?

Fortune -1

Less presence than a SuBo stage show. She has learning difficulties though. What's your excuse?

Subbies

Sammy 1

If you sat on Sammy long enough he would pay you £10 for the pleasure.

McGinn 0

Ferret little time. Geddit?

The Manager 0

Some people want you given the Scotland job as punishment. It looks like you have spunked all your budget on a striker that makes that already poor area 10 times worse.

The younger golden generation who have been brought up on success see you as John  Barnes, who statistically you have surpassed in ineptness. Some feat but salvation is just round the corner.

A few personal sacrifices at the alter of the PLC is the way to go. Get your kids puppy and take it to the next board meeting. Rip it's head off and drink it's blood. While they are recovering from the shock, wheel in Peter Grant who will be wrapped in tin foil and attached to a plug. Plug him in the nearest socket.

Last but not least, put addressed envelopes in front of the board members saying that you know where they live and that you have some free time to take car of their pets and children.

That should get you a few million.